so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
