life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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