Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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