I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
