Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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