3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
