Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
