Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
