ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
