He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
