I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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