My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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