I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
