I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
