Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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