it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
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He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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