I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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