just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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