this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
