please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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