The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
