I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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