Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
