put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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