A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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