if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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