It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Four minutes until I can fart!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Even my vagina gasped.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
