I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
