I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
