Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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