I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
