Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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