Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
