Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
