god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
