I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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