Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize