im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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