So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
