Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
