Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
