She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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