First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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