i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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