so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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