Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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