My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
