I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
