One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
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