Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
