Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
