She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
