I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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