Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
