What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
