I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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